You have cancer? Oh....OK.

What do you say when you find out that one of your parents has cancer? Not much.

My dad called and told me that he had stageIV liver cancer back in August. I remember the phone call, kind of. I do remember squinting for some reason. It was like I just stubbed my toe and now am waiting for the pain to come. Its also the face you make when you see a child who is just about to fall and whack their head. From that instant I was preparing myself. Actually, I have been preparing myself ever since I was a kid. I always thought of what it would be like to lose my parents (my sister says she did the same thing). I always wondered who would be the first to go. I wondered what it would be like to not have them around. Its been one month today since my dad died, and I still dont comprehend what its like to not have him around. I cant believe he's gone. I dont want to. It just doesnt seem real. Its hard to make sense of the finality of it all. Its not registering. I understand the situation, but it feels distant. I have yet to speak of my dad in the past tense. For me, thats the hardest thing to do. I dont want to hear myself saying those words. Im not ready to hear myself say that my dad is dead. I know he's dead, I just can't say it. I dont want to.

OK, Im back. Those last few lines were really tough to get out. I went to go blow my nose and get a tropical fruit flavored Popsicle (much better than the regular kind). I did have a structure I was going to follow when writing this blog, but thats out the window. As you can tell I use humor as a way of buffering my emotions, good or bad. Thats why I think the best comedians are some of the most unbalanced. The more unbalanced you are, the more buffer you need. Unfortunately, Im pretty funny.

Much like this blog, my feelings are all over the place. They come in waves. You can literally feel the swelling happen before the crest breaks and tears come crashing down. But, eventually they slowly go out to sea. The only difference is that I have no idea when the swell is going to start. But, I do know that I cant stop it. Right now Im getting swallowed up by the wave and Im drowning in it. My hope for the future is that when the waves come that I will eventually be able to ride them out. Only problem is that I dont surf. I snowboard, but I dont feel like going back and changing the above analogy. So surfing it is. Kowabunga.

(always leave the room on a positive note, even if you have to fake it)